February 29 - The Beginning of Living Bindaas.
February 29, 2020 (Written on June 17, 2021).
It’s the most terrifying and liberating date in my young adult life.
I woke up in the morning and was high-tempered.
I was in the middle of a month long argument with my dad for micromanaging my efforts to standardize tenant communication for his real estate holdings. It had been just about a year since he handed me all the property management responsibilities for his real estate portfolio. I had earned my real estate license and was just getting a footing in learning how to profitably manage rental properties - I had just salvaged nearly $10,000 in missed rental income just by bringing rent up to the market rate (my dad had been charging below-market rate for rent)! But dad didn’t care. His mind was fixated on why I didn’t answer a late-night maintenance call and rush to immediately service it.
“Tina, this boy is driving me crazy! He’s gonna bankrupt me!”
My dad’s houses are his babies and if you know anything about a momma bear and its babies - getting in-between them is an exercise in futility. All of our family friends know that dad is a little too kind in business. He won’t admit it, but he’s gone months without collecting rent and often accepted a loss just to keep the house occupied - not realizing that (at the time) it was a renters market. No matter his stubborn ways, I had decided that I was going to show him the value of managing properties “The RIGHT WAY”.
I stormed downstairs (I live at home with my parents) and addressed dad, “Seriously. Why did you contact the tenants again? I’m the point of contact. Don’t let them bother you.” And he instantly turned his head 90 degrees and barked back, “Asit. I TOLD YOU to answer the call right away. Why you didn’t listen to me?” Within minutes, we were at each other’s head. A bunch-a “You said” and “I said” and “You did’s” and “I did’s”.
This was the ump-teenth time that we had had this “discussion”. Dad wanting me to help, but not willing to change. Me wanting to help, but not willing to accept his tried wisdom as status quo. Cat and mouse. Tom and Jerry.
But this time, for whatever reason, I had it. I couldn’t stand that my dad wouldn’t take my recommendations and management seriously. So that very morning, I quit. I drove at high speed back to our office on Saturday morning at 6 AM and wrote a letter to all of the tenants and transferred management responsibilities back to dad. I was upset with dad and I couldn’t take it anymore - I couldn’t battle trying to convince him why my background, my education, and my experience were commensurate enough to profitably and ethically manage his properties. I had created a clear line of communication, implemented an accounting program, standardized maintenance schedules, and demonstrated ways to recoup lost revenue opportunities by evaluating the ROI on each of his properties.
Why wasn’t I enough?
And that thought was enough to trigger my anxieties about the future - my future. While I was writing those letters, I started to spiral a bit again. I started questioning the direction of my life and whether I’d ever find a career path where I could be independent, intelligent, and useful. I started wondering what all of this work was for…”Why am I doing so much work here when I know I can do so much more elsewhere? What am I living up to? Where am I even gonna be in 5 years? My parent’s are probably going to exile me if they found out. They’ll probably stop talking to me for months at a time and express a serious amount of disappointment like they did when I was 11.”
Then it hit me. ASIT SHAH. It is February 29.
This date only comes once every 4 years. Your opportunity IS NOW. Do you REALLY want to proceed another 4 years of your life without living 100%? Do you really want to be 30 years old and have never dated a…?
Some God-like force came within me - it’s truly hard to explain. I had a client appointment for an engagement ring around 12 pm, and my parents walked into the office around 11:15 am. I knew that 45 minutes wasn’t enough time and I was honestly mortified that I would have to change my name and travel to a new country and reinvent my entire life all by the time the weekend was over.
But this force of confidence…it was game-changing.
My parents joined me at our office kitchen. Dad and I started arguing again and mom did what she does best - she mitigated the fire and cooled us down. While we were cooling down, mom tried to change the subject and divert the topic to other business and social discussions.
And that’s when I ended it.
After nearly 15 years - and I honestly can’t believe that I did this to this date, I told my parents:
Asit: “I want you guys to know something. You’re very important to me and I believe in living a truthful life. I don’t believing in hiding anything.”
Mom: “What is it, Asit?”
Asit: “I am bisexual. I like men and women. And it’s not a phase. It’s also not like…I still like women. No. I like both men and women and I’ve always been this way. I hope that doesn’t change anything.”
Mom: “Asit we love you.”
Dad: “We love you a lot. Eh…but what does this mean?”
Mom: “RAJU, did you listen to what your son just told you. He told you something VERY important.”
Dad: “Asit. (1 minute silence - likely the longest in my life). I am so proud of you (starts to cry). It takes a lot of courage to do what you just did. I want you to know that I love you. That we love you.”
Mom: “I don’t exactly understand what bisexual means. But we love you regardless.”
Asit: “It just means that I have a natural attraction towards both sexes. It doesn’t mean that I like everyone or that I like one sex more than the other. It’s kinda like Rima and guys. She doesn’t like every guy she comes across. I just happen to like people on the basis of who they are and within both genders. And I’m pretty conservative about it - I don’t believe in flirting or making people feel uncomfortable. I just don’t want to justify to my future wife (or husband) as to why I was attracted to both sexes. I’d rather live a life 100%. I want a monogamous relationship, kids and a house - like everyone else. It’ll be hard being honest now - I might lose friends and some people might walk away from me, but it is better for the long run.”
Mom: “So do you have a girlfriend? Or a boyfriend?”
Asit: “Nah.”
Dad: “Listen, you are very attractive man. Let me tell you.”
Asit: “Haha. Naaaahhh. That’s not how my peers see me. But I don’t care. I just wanna find someone who I can feel at home with. I’d rather not pressure myself to date someone or marry someone out of fear and be unsettled for the remainder (or the majority) of my life.”
Dad: (He had been pressuring me to find a girlfriend for nearly 4 years) “You know what. You are right. It’s better (Nods Indian style).'‘
Dad cries for a little bit.
Asit: “Wow. I wasn’t expecting this. I guess I gotta sell that diamond now. Do you know what the cost on it was?”
Dad: “I think it was…
And that’s how my February 29, 2020 went. When I initially came-out to my parents at the age of 11/12, I didn’t have terms for what I was or who I was. I understood that I was different and that it felt natural. My parents tried to protect me and told me that it was a choice. At that age, the times were a bit different and my parents had already seen me getting bullied for nearly 2-3 years. They had seen me followed home, called derogatory names like, “faggot”, and even chased by down by a friend’s dog until I cried all while they all watched me…I mean some really dark stuff. It wasn’t a fun childhood for me. My parents did their best. They tried teaching me how to “blend in”, how to talk differently, how to walk differently, how to say the right things.
And I did all of that. For nearly 15 years. Imagine - if you were encouraged to change every aspect of what you are and you believed them at that age - at an age where you’re particularly susceptible to being swayed by society. It’s insanity. The inauthenticity caught up with me. No matter how hard I tried to run, no matter how hard I tried to change myself, no matter who I talked to, no matter if death itself mocked me…I couldn’t change what I was and I had no choice but to face my reality.
Having been “closeted” for so long, I’ve heard and seen EVERY form of discrimination against the queer community. From my closest friends and family to members of the community itself. From dark jokes poking fun at the realities of same-sex relations to subtle comments along the lines of, “Why do they feel the need to come out?”
I can’t say that I’ve been a perfect role model. Silence isn’t a form of support.
And after a year of living without boundaries, making dozens of new friends, meeting people from every walk of life, and learning myself inside and out, a book a professor handed to me after I talked about my battles with anxiety, depression, and suicide challenged my long-held belief that I should keep my sexuality private. He gifted me a book called, “Authentic”. It taught me that peace is best attained by those who know themselves, learn to be themselves, and of course, own themselves.
And the one thing I knew in certain was that I wanted peace.
I had a lot of realities to digest. From my career path, to my financial future, to self-development realities, and as you now know, my sexuality.
It’s not easy, you know. A lot of members of the queer community are (unfortunately) stereotyped. We’re type-casted into groups and within those niches, there is a SIGNIFICANT amount of discrimination. A year of meeting people from this community taught me how much of an odd ball I am. It taught me that I don’t really fit in perfectly with anyone - I don’t view my sexuality as a defining factor of how I should lead my life. It’s honestly not as exciting as it sounds, either - being queer. You don’t get to quit doing it…that’s a fools errand. It’s not one of those situations where I am gay in disguise or just “fooling around”.
Trust me, I did not wake up excited to learn that guys were on the menu. It was more of a…”Oh shit. Something must be wrong with my eyes” realization*. And no, at least for me, I don’t check out my friends or have fantasies or any of that. It’s just not how my brain works. So to the mildly homophobic guy reading this, just know that you’re not my type. To the person who thinks that this is a generational thing, I assure you that it definitely isn’t - you’d be surprised to learn how many people from generations past aren’t straight. And to the girl trying to justify why things didn’t spark between us, romance just was never on the table for us, regardless of my sexuality.
The experience is different for everyone. A lot of my realities don’t make sense to me either. I’m still learning.
Today, I’ve decided to embrace this aspect of me. I am a man. I am Indian-American and Hindu. I am a son and a brother. I am a jeweler and I have aspirations to be more than that. I love kids. I really want to go to grad school. I’m a real romantic - I got that from my dad. I love Aviation. I love the colors blue and orange. Yeah, Tesla is my favorite car. I like working out. Boxing is kinda cool. Not big on alcohol, but I gave it a try. Oh…and I’m also bisexual. But most of all, I am really into living bindaas - living carefree and daring.
My sister says to me that, “People are inherently misunderstood.”
And in coming out, I know that some folks out there will be a little confused, disturbed, upset, amused, or indifferent. Some of you will see me in person and take the “don’t ask don’t tell approach” and some of you will see me at a restaurant and quietly laugh or speak ill about me or others like me as if I haven’t thought every thought you have. Some of you will evaluate my life and associate my mannerisms, interests, voice, profession, and the likewise with my sexual attraction. Others will think, “I called it!” (To which I’ll say, yeah….congratulations. You successfully used stereotypes to perpetuate homophobia. Sexuality is a personal matter. It’s not a game, my friend. My life isn’t a game.). For some of you, I may be the only non-straight guy you know (that’s out). For some of you, your understanding of your faith may prevent you from recognizing my humanity. Some of you may even choose to distance yourself out of the fear that by association, you’ll turn gay or be seen as less-than (Let me tell you, it is an extremely attractive quality to the opposite sex if you, Mr. Masculine guy have enough confidence in your sexuality to be associated with people who aren’t the same as you. I’d worry a bit more about the ones that are homophobic - like…what are you afraid of? Coming from experience here). For all of you, I am happy to help you understand my reality - so long as you are coming from a place of true curiosity as opposed to malicious bigotry.
And then some of you will love.
Until about 25, I had decided that I didn’t want to face rejection that comes from being on a sexual spectrum. It’s not fair. I felt that I’d have to justify myself worth before the person I’m pursuing even has the chance of knowing who I am. And in my community (South Asian), it’s the immediate red-flag that every girl is weary of - mostly because they just don’t understand or are ashamed to be associated with it and the perceived challenges and stigma that the label has.
For whatever reason, God might have heard me talking myself out of the dating pool and said, “I’m going to dump you into a job that’ll mock your deepest insecurities.” I sell engagement rings to couples nationwide everyday. Initially, I was jaded by couples who shared their stories. As amazing as their love stories were, it felt like some kid was rubbing their new toy in my face - a toy that I really wanted but thought that I couldn’t have. More recently, these stories and couples started to inspire me. I started to find a bit of myself in every couple and decided that one day, hopefully soon, I’ll also have the opportunity to find that perfect engagement ring, bend down on a knee, and ask for my significant other’s hand in marriage. Whoever that is, whenever that is, and wherever that takes place, I made a pact to myself that I’d start a life with full-disclosure and live fearlessly. After all, Asit Shah can’t be single forever, right?
My intention in releasing this information is to live a more fulfilling life. I feel that taking this step forward allows me to live more. It allows me to be a better person, to be more intelligent at work, and to be more loving. I also want to assure you that I’m not ashamed of myself. Keeping this information private was largely to protect myself from discrimination and persecution in my travels. I ask that whatever your views are - if you even have any, that you challenge yourself to live bindaas (carefree & daring) as well. This life is a bit short and it’s important that we enable the pursuit of happiness within everyone - even amongst those we don’t entirely understand.
In that spirit, happy pride.
I’m forever indebted to my sister, the first and only person I initially trusted to share this information with. To my parents, thank you for being so accepting - I know it’s not easy to digest and society can be really, really mean. Don’t mind them. And to my professor Dale, for sharing a book that accelerated my personal growth - you taught me a lot about Behavioral Finance and Index Funds, but this lesson in life is unmatched. You have truly changed me for the better. Thank you.
To the brave souls who have endeavored this path of being publicly open about their personal lives, I’m inspired. To the celebrities like Lilly Singh and Ellen DeGeneres, thank you - your confidence is infectious. Lilly, if you somehow read this, I would love to take you on a date - even if it went no where. Just sayin.
P.S. If you see me in person, and you have questions about me or want clarifications, I may or may not be open to discussing this topic. It’s completely okay to ask me whatever questions you may have. If I choose not to answer, know that I’m not attempting to be rude. I’m still digesting who I am.
*There is nothing wrong with liking the same-sex. I’m expressing my initial approach to understanding the reality.